the great divide

Carson & I talk about all kinds of kooky stuff in between diaper changes, kid-directing, and boo-boo kissing. It's amazing and providential that we get in any kind of higher-level-thinking going on at all, considering parents of (MULITIPLE) toddlers and babies get interrupted constantly.

But anyway, Carson, the one with the ECON degree, the one that thinks in multi-dimensional graphs and otherwise like a scientist, says that he thinks that cities, as opposed to small towns, have high levels of poverty and high levels of rich people, and that these bookend sects of society only get bigger and bigger the older and the bigger the city becomes, as the middle class shrinks.

Kinda like this:


He said that the middle class, whom we'd ideally identify ourselves with and would like to mingle with once we get settled after he's graduated and all, will only shrink more and more, and that they will either become richer or poorer.

And the Spirit,
who searches my heart,
and convicts me of this and that,
and guides me in the way,
affirmed me in something.

"Forget about that middle class. You relate best to those on the slippery slope downward. Those people on the economical spiral downward, those people who are victims of gravity and poverty and abuse and alcohol and divorce and hurt - those are your people. Catch 'em with the net. "

It's true. I find conversation with pride chasers rather hungry for content. I'm sorry.

I
just
cannot
relate
to
you.

And I have never been so pleased in my life that I am EMPOWERED and BOLD enough to be able to look at anyone's problems that I encounter and say, GOD'S LOVE CAN SAVE YOU! Your situation is NOT too messy for His radical solution. His blood. His presence.

I am GLAD that I have absolutely nothing in common with folk who are groping the wall, vying to make a name for themselves. I am GIDDY AND DELIGHTED to share in the sufferings of people who can't afford to go to the dentist, people who are behind on their rent, people who need their food stamps renewed but can't get to the DSS office because their car broke but they're praising God on KLove anyway. I love this undignified new race of people! They're all over the place!

I love me some saved common folk! SO REFRESHING! I meet them everywhere.

The Spirit of God is catching these people with His net because they NEED Him, and they KNOW it! Don't get me wrong - I know the educated can meet the Lord and be saved, but oooh, my goodness. How rich are the poor in spirit once they meet the Spirit who supplies everything! It seems that the poor in pocket and status just plain see their need easier. Guess that's what the whole rich young ruler and camel going through a needle bit was all about.

He catching 'em with His big strong net, and the others, groping the wall, lost as can be, are just building a silly tower.
Up,
up,
up

in self-deception and silliness!

And I think I finally understand what this means to me. Why in the world the Spirit is even letting these thoughts lurk and fester and echo in me...

I've finally stopped trying to build Jill's tower of pride. Well, for the moment.
Pride in my multiple college degrees.
And my various and fickle dreams.
My ridiculous unspoken expectations.
My strange idea of grandiose.
or spirituality.
or martyrdom.
or specialness.

No.

Just Me, the Spirit, and service to my family. I am in His strong net, and I want to help catch others. I am through building my tower. It was plastic and fake and silly.

Everyone who hears these words of mine
and puts them into practice
is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.
-Matthew 7:24

You know, I'm thinking that there really is a great divide, two halves, a stark dichotomy: those people who admire Jesus and those people who are in Jesus. I don't mean to cause a schism or scare or any paranoia. I'm admittedly confused and bad at theology schmology. Shudder.

But economics completely aside, maybe that upside-down parabola graph is also an eerie representation of those building up their flesh and folly and intellectualism and storing their treasures here on earth, and those who are

just. plain. falling. down.

... and will be caught in grace because they know that they are completely bankrupt.

I want to be like Jesus because He keeps catching me in His net ... Lord, I want to catch others. So many need your able Spirit.

a girl can dream

I'm currently sitting here with two sweet but snotty toddlers and a four-month-old with a 102 temp. Husband is on a 34-hour shift, but I'm dreaming that these components would comprise the perfect Valentine's Date:

this song (without the creepy romeo and juliet suicides):





while making these together!

Because Carson and I enjoy cooking together.

Throw in some pajama pants and laughing over youtube videos together, and we've got a date! And maybe just for Carson, we'd add Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip. JUST KIDDING. We're both addicted to ice cream. We'd probably light a Yankee candle and watch a Redbox movie after all that deliciousness.

But who are we kidding? We have babies (that we looooooove). So none of this will happen...PLUS Carson is working what's nearly going to be a 44 HOUR SHIFT on the days surrounding Valentine's.

Truly, our love can stand 44 hours-in-a-row of absence, three babies in 2.5 years, and nearly four college degree/certification programs completed in four years. Did I mention 60-lb weight gains and scary ambulance rides?

I thank God for Carson.

Not merely for your light reading

Scripture is not about the transmission of inert ideas.
It is a call to love, and love that does not lead to action is not love (p.50).

- - - -

Convenient spirituality is our total insistence on ideals and intentions in complete divorce from reality, from actions, and from social commitment. Petty thoughts are enough...they substitute for everything...including life itself (p.46).
(please read the sarcasm in the last sentence).

- - - -

The above quotes were taken from The Importance of Being Foolish (Brennan Manning). God is using this book to challenge me...

Am I satisfied with my reality today? maybe 40%?

Is there a big swamp that I'd like to ignore that sits and smells between my ideals and my reality?
Am I obsessed with the ongoing call to come and die? yes!
Do I remember that Jesus was murdered on a tree before He was glorified?
Am I striving to be on the outside who God is making me on the inside?

My blog is named Not Home Yet because I aim to bank into the kingdom eternal. If we think with the end in mind, meaning the unfathomable concept of eternity, how can we only serve ourselves?

Now, let's switch gears and talk about the assurance of salvation. I don't think that a pastor can preach enough about the assurance of salvation. How can someone feel freed up to do good things if their identity is at stake? Not possible. The assurance of my salvation was the turning point in my adult life (Summer 2005).

Tim, my pastor, once told of a student with test anxiety. The teacher resolved all the student's worry with this:

"Sit down. You've already made an A. Now, let's learn something."

Maybe all of life is an effort to reconcile our ideals to our reality. But for a Christian, the Spirit indicates that we don't have to have an agenda, we don't have to understand everything, and we don't have to vindicate ourselves.

I am 29 years old, and I am open to anything, still. I will be a teacher or a tutor or a stay-at-home-mom, a missionary, a foster parent, or a hospice volunteer. I will be something that I don't even know exists if He puts it on my heart.

So I think we should stay available, only answering "yes" to the call to come and die today. I can do no more, and doing less makes me feel like a selfish loathsome waste of a Christian.

Peace to you in perpetual prayer, even when I'm washing dishes.

our fleeting youth

Just a few pics ...

because these days will pass far too quickly.

Some days alone with babies are taxing, but I learn things from them.

"I shall sometimes look back at the freshness of vision I had in childhood and try, at least for a little while, to be, in the words of Lewis Carroll, the 'child of the pure unclouded brow, and dreaming eyes of wonder.' "

Intentionality

Got the idea from my favorite writer's site. Now, I'm not one for indulging myself. In fact, I need to more. I need to leave the babies with people more. I need to buy some new clothes. I'm that mom you see in the Dollar General and feel sorry for. But on to my point.

My favorite writer, Don Miller, said that it's a good idea to brainstorm your likes and dislikes. I have a hard time doing something if I believe it's vain or indulgent. I need to be more of a hedonist. I think I quench the Spirit when I don't just go with the flow. I've learned a lot from people at the Vineyard.

Anyway, what did I really like and dislike to do in the past year? About myself? About the girls? About how we use our time? Et al...

I know one thing: I like percolated espresso.

My rediscovered love of running (I was pregnant for years) has given me a love of VERBS! So, I'll just specifically name 20 things I like and 20 things I dislike. I'll probably journal more. I challenge you to post the same!

LIKE
1. I like waking up before everyone else
2. I like reading the girls a bible story & praying with them sometime before 10 a.m. It sets the tone for the day.
3. I like having (a LOT of) uninterrupted time to take a nightly shower and brush and floss and take out my contacts. TMI?
4. I like going outside with the girls at least once per day, usually twice.
5. I like making big breakfasts when Carson is home all day.
6. I like slow-boiling a chicken at least once per week.
7. I like staying accountable with Kim.

8. I like getting the toddlers + myself groomed and dressed from head to toe before 10 a.m.
9. I like going to the park once a week.
10. I love going to church at 11a.m. alone for this season of our lives (so that I'm not noosed by fickle babies in the nursery)
11. ....doing laundry 1x/day so that it doesn't build up.
12. sitting on the floor and reading books to the girls
13. changing out the books in the bin and the CD in the CD player every other day.
14. making lists in my everything notebook
15. going to Costco as a family (they have 2 baby seats in the cart!)
16. having people over in the afternoons!
17. going on a planned date
18. RUNNING!
19. talking to the Spirit all day, which is enabled by a slow, non-impulsive lifestyle
20. having great conversations with Carson and praying with him at night

DON'T LIKE
1. anxiety, which is set off by too much impulsiveness
2. spending money on silly stuff
3. unseasoned speech out of my mouth
4. spending too much time on the computer
5. staying in the house by myself with babies for more than 12 hours -BLALLH!!!! love.our.yard.
6. complaining
7. messiness that leads to bodily injury (ie happy meal toys)
8. dust (achOO)
9. being hot (all windows were opened yesterday)
10. not meal planning, resulting in low blood sugar sibling war then eating cold beans and an a hard-boiled egg with a side of rice a roni and ginger snaps
11. when the girls seem bored
12. being out after dark when I'm alone with the babies
13. staying up too late
14. watching really dumb movies like Dinner for Schmucks (that one was really bad)
15. having a messy kitchen at 9 p.m.
16. worrying
17. poor hygiene
18. ignoring my kids
19. believing things from the father of lies, such as money rules everything. it really does not in my heart.
20. guilt trips. doesn't work on me, so don't try it.

---------------

Now clearly, there are plenty of things in life that we don't like that aren't going to change. Like messy diapers. And broken ACs. But I was focusing on things I could filter out/ graft in to honor the Spirit. I even asked the girls what they like and don't like (they're only 1 and 2), but they only said toddler-esq things like, "my poop" and "barney." Psshhht.

So here's to intentionality today. I can't speak for tomorrow or 2011, He only gives me enough strength for today:

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. (Ephesians 5:15-17, NIV)